Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic