@ThugRaccoons: HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
@ThugRaccoons: Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
@ThugRaccoons: Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
@ThugRaccoons: Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio....apartment....
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
@ThugRaccoons: Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
@ThugRaccoons: Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.