Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

@ThugRaccoons: HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

@ThugRaccoons: Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@ThugRaccoons: Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@ThugRaccoons: Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio....apartment....

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@ThugRaccoons: Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

@ThugRaccoons: Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!




Me: Shit.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@ThugRaccoons: Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*