Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
i spent way too long on this
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me