Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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Holy crap this is wonderful
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
BRAKING NEWS!!
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!