Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS