@ThugRaccoons: Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
@ThugRaccoons: Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
@ThugRaccoons: Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
@ThugRaccoons: Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
@ThugRaccoons: Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave