Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ThugRaccoons : Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
@ThugRaccoons: Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
@ThugRaccoons: You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
@ThugRaccoons: Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.