Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

@ThugRaccoons: Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@ThugRaccoons: You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.