@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS