[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.