My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You Might Also Like
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
what’s really going on
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water