American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver