@TigNotaro : Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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@TigNotaro: Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
@TigNotaro: I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.
@TigNotaro: tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
@TigNotaro: {God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
@TigNotaro: I'd like to announce that in 2020 I'll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.