@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

@TigNotaro

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@TigNotaro

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.