I am, perchance
You Might Also Like
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.