It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
nobody’s gonna understand
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.