and now we wait
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.