I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Do not steal food from the science building!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.