If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Left at a local drug store…
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move