You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
You Might Also Like
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
OH. COME. ON.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.