We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
You’ll be OK
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose