Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic