Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
You Might Also Like
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia