When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Well, shit
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”