If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Scream sneezers need love too.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.