It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.