*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
synchronized noseblowing
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”