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Page of TitansHomer's best tweets

@TitansHomer : I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

@TitansHomer: I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

@TitansHomer: {Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You're hired.

@TitansHomer: [High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@TitansHomer: According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

@TitansHomer: My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@TitansHomer: MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have now can't play any instruments.

@TitansHomer: I'm the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I'm ok, I'm ok"