[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: