@Tmoney68: Me: I can't make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
@Tmoney68: [Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
@Tmoney68: I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
@Tmoney68: [job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
M: I accept.
@Tmoney68: I don't gamble. I don't do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House