Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*