@Tmoney68
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
@Tmoney68
@Tmoney68
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
@Tmoney68
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
@Tmoney68
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
@Tmoney68
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
@Tmoney68
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
@Tmoney68
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
@Tmoney68
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
@Tmoney68
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
@Tmoney68
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*