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Page of Tmoney68's best tweets

@Tmoney68 : Me: Let's get a library card.

Her: It's too expensive.

M: They're FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

@Tmoney68: Me: I can't make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

@Tmoney68: [Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

@Tmoney68: I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

@Tmoney68: [job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

@Tmoney68: "He is woke." - Millenial Easter

@Tmoney68: I don't gamble. I don't do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@Tmoney68: I can't understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House