Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tmoney68's best tweets

@Tmoney68 : [job interview] Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé? Me: I believe the explanation is clear. B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst— *I have disappeared* B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired. [From ceiling] M: I accept.

@Tmoney68: "He is woke." - Millenial Easter

@Tmoney68: I don't gamble. I don't do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@Tmoney68: I can't understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House

@Tmoney68: Turducken? My food rules are few, but I'd put "don't eat a food with 'turd' in its name" in my top 5.

@Tmoney68: If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don't give him the skills.

@Tmoney68: [Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I'm fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@Tmoney68: A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.