@Tmoney68 : [job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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@Tmoney68: I don't gamble. I don't do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House
@Tmoney68: Turducken? My food rules are few, but I'd put "don't eat a food with 'turd' in its name" in my top 5.
@Tmoney68: If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don't give him the skills.
@Tmoney68: [Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I'm fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
@Tmoney68: A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.