@Tobi_Is_Fab

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.