Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?