Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”