Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.