@Token_Geezer

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

@Token_Geezer

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

@Token_Geezer

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@Token_Geezer

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@Token_Geezer

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased