[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
United Steaks of America
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
🙀🙀🙀😹
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered