[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists