who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over