why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed