@TomSchally

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

@TomSchally

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@TomSchally

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@TomSchally

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@TomSchally

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@TomSchally

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.