[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
when revenge coincides with naptime
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.