To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
🤣
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”