I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Procrastination is a dish best served tomorrow.
Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.
My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.
In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.
I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
I have a big butt and I can not lie.
Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.