Beware of the dog..
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Optional boss fight.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones