Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
tis the season
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude