I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
never deleting this app.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit