I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
eggs benadryl
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Finally!
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific