@TommyWallace

[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best

@TommyWallace

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

@TommyWallace

[Dad jokes anonymous]

“…and I’m clean 30 days”

Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD

“DAMN IT, JERRY!”

@TommyWallace

“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”

Teacher: devil’s advocate?

Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.