@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
@Tommytoughstuff: [plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I'm a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
@Tommytoughstuff: [first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
@Tommytoughstuff: FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
@Tommytoughstuff: PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.