ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.