@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@Tommytoughstuff

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.