@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
@Tommytoughstuff: Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
@Tommytoughstuff: A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
@Tommytoughstuff: [plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I'm a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
@Tommytoughstuff: [first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
@Tommytoughstuff: FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.