@Tommytoughstuff

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

@Tommytoughstuff

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

@Tommytoughstuff

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.