[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
i choose….tongue
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!