the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.