COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
You Might Also Like
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies