I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Finally a use for spoilers…
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Every. Damn. Time.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.