If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
he’s doing your taxes