My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Brands during Pride
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.