For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”