When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m not drunk enough for this
I’m too drunk for this
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore