@ToxicProbably

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

@ToxicProbably

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

@ToxicProbably

Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

@ToxicProbably

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore